Preparing oneself for a higher love
By disengaging from an outdated paradigm and finding inner freedom
It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single woman in possession of just about anything, must be in want of a husband.
Please indulge me while I channel my inner Jane Austen, won’t you?
My opening line is, of course, inspired by one of Austen’s most famous opening lines: “It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a single man in possession of a good fortune, must be in want of a wife.”
Austen’s opening line drips with irony–we all know that rich men aren’t desperate for marriage. (Even if many women might wish they were!) And this is just as true today as it was in Austen’s time.
Sadly for humanity (and for my ego), my opening line doesn’t quite pack an ironic punch the way Austen’s does.
Many women are indeed desperate for marriage, and the belief that a woman is somehow incomplete without a partner is in fact quite pervasive. It lurks in the dark recesses of our psyches, dictating many of our choices, and wreaking havoc at large. And not just for the single woman.
The truth is that we’re not lacking or incomplete in any way, whether we have a romantic partner or not, but it might require a fair bit of work to embody that inner freedom. At least it has for me so far, and although a deeper shift has occurred, the work hasn’t stopped.
(Aside: Despite the proliferation of programs that promise to transform you in a matter of days, especially if you follow this one technique of theirs, I would wager that most people will take much longer to internalize shifts and to test themselves in the fires of real life.)
The beauty of this inner freedom is that there is then the possibility of true love–a truly intimate connection beyond the turmoil of thought, a higher love untouched by psychological manipulation or illusory expectations. Each partner is fully accepted and loved, as they are, for each feels whole and complete in themselves.
This post is a set of notes about what has helped me find greater freedom and inner balance with respect to partnership; I hope you find an idea or two that is helpful in some way!
Recognizing an outlived program
I start with my own personal story as an example of how one can remain attached to an outlived program that evokes feelings of being incomplete.
My grandmothers were married off at the ages of eleven and sixteen. They had no choice other than to spend their lives toiling away and taking care of their families.
My mother won a gold medal for her thesis and took up a job as a lecturer but gave that all up in her mid twenties in order to raise her kids, as was customary in her generation.
I had the privilege of completing a PhD and designing my own multi-faceted career. I also married a partner of my own choosing, but walked away from the marriage in my early thirties when I realized it was unhealthy and unsalvageable.
And yet, and yet, despite the outward progress in empowerment and self-sufficiency, deep inside of me was a wounded part that believed a woman could not survive without a man.
It wanted me to get my life back “on track” post-divorce, and as. soon. as. possible. It believed that not being partnered-up was truly not ok, because to my ancestors it would have been a sign of failure or even a source of shame. It worried about not having a sense of belonging.
Of course, at one point in time, these were real concerns for a single woman, with serious consequences for her safety, security, and quality of life–these aren’t concerns for most modern women but many of us seem to be affected by them, nonetheless.
Outwardly, I was quite unaware of this part because I was not concerned with a potential partner’s ability to provide for me or to enhance my status. I also knew how to live alone and take care of myself, very well.
My feelings of incompleteness became evident only when I was forced by a series of circumstances to confront the question of whether I would be ok even if I never found the partner I was hoping for. It felt as if my world were collapsing. I didn’t think I would be ok.
The breakdown (more like a series of breakdowns) was a blessing, for it helped me recognize my unconscious attachment to a specific societal script. And letting go of this beautiful dream, excruciating and terrifying as that was, was the gateway to feeling content and whole no matter what.
I also became aware of just how much the wounded part was running my life. Which, to be frank, was a lot! The mind, spotting a delicious opportunity for self-sabotage, kept reflecting on this business of finding a partner even as it sapped my energy. Good grief. And yet I know that obsessions of this kind are the lived reality of so many people who are waiting to be “saved” by a partner.
The part could very well be a byproduct of patterns and values unconsciously passed on to me as part of an outdated paradigm–one that saw women primarily as consorts and not as heroines in their own right.
However, I must add that I’m feeling quite wary of reifying this part and giving it a life of its own, not just in my imagination but also in yours. Even calling it a “part” and grounding it in a particular narrative is going too far–so I have tried my best to focus on key turning points and insights that could be helpful to many.
My intention is primarily to call attention to the possibility of similar wounding in your life, no matter its source or form. Just becoming aware of it may loosen it up. A basic inquiry to start with is whether your inner harmony is conditional on having a partner.
It’s also worth recognizing (and ignoring) the horrific, sometimes hilarious, unconscious adherence to a transactional view of partnership–from those who wonder why you wouldn’t marry a rich dude and be done with it, to those who stick with an abusive situation so that they can maintain a facade of successful partnership for the outside world. Stay courageous in the face of such noise, even if, to some people, your courage will look like insanity.
A committed romantic partnership is a beautiful thing, the best thing ever, but its most profound gifts can only be realized when we don’t need to be in one in order to feel complete.
The work
It is only when every last ounce of fear is overcome that one realizes the weight one has been carrying forever. The difference, perhaps, between chipping away at a clingy barnacle and the moment when one finally scrapes it off to reveal a satisfyingly smooth surface.
A number of things happened alongside the breakdowns I mentioned above that helped me “chip away” at my fears. In no particular order:
Learning how to live alone and to adore my own company.
Getting better at discerning the whisperings of my heart and allowing myself to be guided by them, rather than looking for external validation.
Forgiving myself and others for the many mistakes we made. Learning by trial and error when it’s not safe to let someone into my world.
Waking up in a panic in the middle of the night for months on end. Meditating myself back to sleep. Reminding myself that no matter how stressful things were getting, I would stay committed to my dharma and honor my yearning for a love divine.
Waking up one of those nights with the word “surrender” booming in my head–a seeming injunction to drop the illusion of control immediately. Finding great relief in the days that followed. Developing a deeper trust in life and a sense of inner safety in the process.
Feeling all the rage and grief at how the feminine has been treated and of how the masculine has also been conditioned to behave in dominating ways.
Regularly checking how I related to and was treated by men (not just in romantic contexts), so that I could better detect areas in myself that needed healing. Did I secretly seek their approval? Did I view them as selfish brutes? Did I fear being rejected? Were the men who were showing up appreciative of my inner beauty? What was arising within me and wanting to be released? With time I found greater inner balance–the ability to hold my ground despite triggers–and a lot of gratitude for the gifts given to me by men in my life, both past and present.
Seeing the beloved in everyone and everything. Finding more similarities than differences. Being stunned by various snapshots of myself as seen through the people around me. Feeling awe at how the universe bewilders in its possibilities for building self-awareness.
Discovering with delight that my capacities for love were expanding. That my love could be both deep and wide, both soft and fierce. Discovering too that I could not love just a little or in a measured kind of way, but also that not everyone was ready to receive an unbridled sort of love, including myself initially.
Anchoring myself more and more in the present and looking on with astonishment at the miracle of life.
For coaching and collaborations, connect with me at anubhakothari.com.
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